Buy the ticket.

i met a boy.
his name is michael o'callaghan.
we both worked at wawa and express.
we both throw up when we brush our teeth sometimes.
our birthdays are 3 days apart.
we both love american idol and the phantom of the opera.
we both drink orange soda like it's going out of style.
we both love snugz and hate when people use bad grammar.
and we're both incredibly good-looking. 
i've never been with someone who i actually had things in common with.
it's going very, very well, but this time, i shall be patient.

i got a second job at bennigan's on 73.
i start in two hours and i'm scurrrred.
but i'll be ok. i always am.

yay for me :)

all i want to do is go to sleep but my brain won't stop. i've lost all feelings of contentment, i dont even remember what it feels like for everything to just be okay.

still no job. which means no money.
which means no fun.
and no food, which isnt necessarily a bad thing. i feel like ive lost a little weight, my pants keep falling down.
sweet.

i'm sitting here wondering how its possible that i've changed so drastically in 2 years. i used to be fun and carefree, everyone wanted to be around me. even when life wasnt going smoothly, i was still a happy person. now the tiniest things throw me completely off balance. i'm thinking i might have a disorder, maybe i need some kind of medication. but that also costs money, so scratch that.

i also sit here wondering why ryan left like an hour ago, but G4 is still on. 
later morgan webb.
i hayte you.

today i've had to do a lot of thinking and a lot of calming myself down after something, which i shall be very vague about, happened. i've been trying really hard to keep my screaming, angry child inside from throwing dishes at the wall. i realized recently that i need to be a better girlfriend and a better person all around. i can't always be so negative and posessive, i drive myself crazy and i drive ryan crazy too. i was really starting to feel like i could do it and i was starting to see the results of changing my ways, and i was really happy about that. 

then this morning, i saw something that i shouldn't have seen. i still can't tell if i wish i hadnt seen it at all. all i know is, i've never been so hurt in my life. if you're in a relationship, imagine what you're the most insecure about in that relationship. imagine that your significant other makes you feel like your crazy for feeling that way, so you finally try to let go of that insecurity and move on. then imagine them turning around and doing something or saying something that completely confirms that insecurity. it's hard just to feel the way i feel sometimes about myself and it's even harder to know that someone as important to me as he is, may feel the same way about me. i always feel like i'm not good enough, my worst fear is not being good enough for him. and after what i saw today, it seems that he may think i'm not good enough too. it's like i was almost to the top of the stairs and then he threw me back down to the bottom, and its not exactly doing wonders for my confidence or my motivation to change. 

i really wanted to let go of crazy, paranoid, insecure Bonnie but i feel like i've been set back now. i dont see how i can not be paranoid after this. he said he didnt mean it, he said he was just drunk, but how do i know that? what he said was just so unnecessary unless he meant it. i dont know. i just want to be able to trust him and not be afraid and i was really set on working on that. but now it's going to be so much harder. i know that i want to be with him, i dont even want to imagine my life without him right now. i wish i could just let it go and completely forgive him, but i dont think that's going to happen today. maybe i just need some time...there are people who've been cheated on and they forgive the person and stay with them, so i guess i'll be able to forget about this. i'm just so sick of all these ups and downs, it's so tiring. i just want things to go up for a while.

nothing is going on and it's driving me crazy.
i hate when people complain about having a hectic life.
i'd kill to have a busy, hectic life. i wish i had something to do besides eat, sleep, and drink my life away.
but i dont.
so yayyyy!!! crystal's party is tonight! i shall eat, drink, and then sleep my life away some more.  
the end.

There's no true reason for my disillusion and lack of a strong backbone. There's no reason why my will and love of art is no longer pouring through my veins. There's no reason why I can't look at myself and honestly be at peace with everything reflected back. There's no reason why I pick fights and get upset over the most ridiculous things. There's no major factor right now in my life to make me as upset and TRULY UNHAPPY as I've been. There's just no reason for any of "this." None.

So I have to ask myself, " where do I go from here?"  Do I shut the fuck up and quit the water works? Yes. It just goes on. I know what is necessary and now it's all a matter of confident motivation. It has to come from myself, and lately I just can't do it. Not only is my self-esteem no where to be found, but I'm completely un-trusting. I can't place "this". I'm not sure where it really came from. I have a vague idea that it was because I gave college every ounce of credit when it came to who I was. It was me, all along, and it's taking a really long time to understand it.

Life is really interesting in this day and age. I'm not sure if it's a woman thing, or a generation thing. I find a lot of my friends and acquaintances are going through similar situations, fears, and emotions. No one really has a strong grasp on who they are or what they want. A lot of us are simply lost, and it's turning into a strong depression. Leaving this desolate, detrimental hole seems to be just as scary as entering it. Wising up to who you are, becoming who you truly want to be, and gaining (and keeping) real responsibilities can be pure fear. When it doesn't fall into your lap (like it hasn't with mine) the depression and confusion grows further. It really is a matter of grasping onto your ideals and running with them. I can't keep letting life run me. I have to learn to see what is both a dream and an attainable dream, set myself into gear towards what is necessary and stop making excuses. It really is more difficult to be an adult than I ever imagined before. My situation is what I make it, and if I don't start making it, I'll never attain any goal I set for myself...and in that case, the depression gets deeper and much darker.

I can be honest with myself when I say that I'm not quite sure where to start, or even which foot to throw forward first. Keeping this to myself, and inside my head, is probably something I should steer away from. I've written a bit lately. Maybe by reconnecting with friends and finally speaking, learning to write/document consistently again, I can finally cure myself, or at least begin the process. I'd normally say that I'm going to "hope" all this helps, and that I have enough courage to make it happen, but I'm tired of hope. It's about will now.

"This" has to go, because I'm barely even breathing anymore. My spaces are claustrophobic and think I'm finally tired enough to start opening doors. "This" isn't any way to keep living. "This" is slowly killing me.

Thursday night, every thing's fine, except you've got that look in your eye
when I'm tellin' a story and you find it boring,
you're thinking of something to say.
You'll go along with it then drop it and humiliate me in front of our friends.

Then I'll use that voice that you find annoying and say something like
"yeah, intelligent input, darlin', why don't you just have another beer then?"

Then you'll call me a bitch
and everyone we're with will be embarrassed,
and I wont give a shit.

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that I'm upset and you smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

You said I must eat so many lemons
'cause i am so bitter.
I said
"I'd rather be with your friends mate 'cause they are much fitter."

Yes, it was childish and you got aggressive,
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

My finger tips are holding on to the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that i'm upset and you smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

Your face is pasty 'cause you've gone and got so wasted, what a surprise.
Don't want to look at your face 'cause it's makin' me sick.
You've gone and got sick on my bed sheets,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh, my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.

Well, I'll leave you there 'till the mornin',
and I purposely wont turn the heating on
and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one.

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that i'm upset and you smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that i'm upset and you smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.
 

i really have no idea what i'm doing anymore...besides beating a dead fucking horse. the saddest part is, i cant even tell if i'm happy or not. and if i am, i couldnt tell you why. something is missing. actually, a lot of things are missing, a lot of things that used to make me really happy. i find myself wanting everyone around me to go away sometimes so i can just cry my eyes out. i find myself making plans to go home and cry, just because it's the only thing that feels good anymore. it's the only time i'm not lying to myself.

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn
Burn as brightly as we can
And if its got to end, then let it end in flames
Let it burn all the way down

And if this is ever meant to end, then i hope it ends where it began
So hot with love, we burned our hands
If this is ever meant to end, then i hope it ends where it began
So hot with love, it burns our hands

I swore I wasnt going to do this again. I was going to buckle down and concentrate and do what needed to be done. I was going to be a grown up, rather than a lazy, self absorbed, alcoholic college student. But here I am in that old familiar, stressed out, self-loathing place. I have class only 3 days a week. The earliest one is 10:50 am. So I sit here wondering why I cant muster up the motivation to get up and go to all of them. Every week. This week I attended ONE class. And it was the first time I attended it so far this semester, due to some registration issues. It's a psychology class and it's really interesting; 2 and half hours flew by as I sat there wondering why I can't do that all the time. When I go to class, I enjoy it. I have fun talking to new people and learning new things. I love it. I love walking around campus and seeing people I know. So why cant I force myself to do that 3 days a week? I need some serious motivational therapy. When I do this to myself and get so far behind, it makes my life so much more stressful. And then I end up being so stressed that all I wanna do is stay in bed and sleep so I dont have to worry about anything. Sadly, I always wake up, and then the stress is even worse. It's a vicious cycle that needs to end. The only hard part is, I have to end it myself. But...all I want to do is go get drunk tonight and then sleep until it's time to go to work tomorrow. 
I was listening to Muse today on the radio and their lyrics, "Stop wasting time before time wastes you," really struck me. It made me giggle. I felt like they knew how much of a fuck up I am and were trying to give it to me straight. Muse was actually trying to be my muse, so to speak. Pretty pun-worthy stuff. I mean...who does this? Who's given the golden opportunity to go to college, become well-educated, meet new people, and make connections (mind you all this is free), and then wastes their time just scraping by? I hate it. I don't like to consider myself that kind of person, but obviously I am and it makes me sick. I'm wasting thousands upon thousands of my parents' money so I can get drunk, admire campus from my car as I drive by on my way to work (or to the bar), and maintain a grade point average that's never exceeded a 2.5. I'm smarter than that. I'm better than that.

I think...

But I feel good.
 

Different This Time

More inspiration than ever before
My head's in the clouds
but at least my foot's through the door
My heart has felt this feeling before,
But it's so different this time

I need strength to fix my failures
and learn from my mistakes
Strength to make you happy
Whatever it takes
Love has never been one 
to cut me any breaks,
But it's so different this time

When I feel myself falling
into old familiar patterns,
Or walking around in circles
on the same dark, lonely road
With my words, a broken record
and my mind, nothing to lose
and all I can seem to think about
is how much I hate these shoes,
I take them off and run your way
You love me and I know you'll stay
as long as I don't push you away,
I'm so different this time.

Why is it that men turn into assholes when they're around other men for more than 24 hours???

I'm not important.
I'm a psycho.
It never fails.

 So i got to see my little mexican last night. Words cant describe how much i miss him. We had a heart to heart as usual, in the bathroom of all places. He told me about his quickly approaching career as a cop in jersey city, and i really am proud of him. i hope everything works out.  I also hung out with Sharyn last night, which was fun. Things were pretty awkward for a while, but I'm glad that I can call her a friend again. 

Unfortunately, last night wasnt all fun and games. I found out that there is one person who I just will not make excuses for anymore. Every time I tell this girl something, she goes behind my back and turns it into something worse than what it is, and makes me look like a childish asshole. I am so sick of people who always feel the need to stir up drama. "Bonnie said this, Bonnie said that..." FUCK OFF. I dont say things that arent true so I wish people would just grow up. 

Off to work.
Work work work.

for 2 effing days! i know 2 days isnt a long time, but for us it is. This will be the longest we've spent apart since we met. I love him.

As for everyone else...you all suck. 
I hate Wawa.
The end. 

So, here I am. And this is livejournal...not as good as myspace (of course! lolz) but it's ok I guess. The last time I wrote in a journal I was probably about 16 years old, rambling on and on about how awesome my first boyfriend was and the dress I bought for the homecoming dance and drinking my first beer (which was Old Milwaukee if I remember correctly). Fortunately, I'm in a very different place now. I just started my senior year at Rowan and the past week was really stressful, turns out it was for no reason at all. I just get myself so worked up over things before I even know for sure if it's worth getting woorked up over...or something like that. Things are falling into place nicely and it looks like, if I work hard enough, I'll be graduating in 2008. I'm working on actually attending classes and being organized and not getting behind and screwing myself. So far, so good.

Things with Ryan are perfect. Well...sometimes I'm mean to him without realizing it. And sometimes I get mad for stupid reasons. But it's never something that can't be solved with a tickle fight...or a cake icing fight, or a cool whip fight, or a maple syrup fight. We see each other every single day, so there are bound to be arguments here and there. I'm just so glad he puts up with me. He's the most perfect boy ever and he's made my life so much better and so much happier. yay!

Lately, I've been missing my dad and my brother. I see my mom at least once a week usually and we talk on the phone sometimes. Whenever my dad needs to tell me something he has my mom call me. I miss being close with him and being able to talk to him. My brother and I havent spoken since he moved out, and I have a feeling that the next time I see him will be really awkward. I just don't think it's normal to ever feel awkward around your own family. We'll see what happens.

Today is thursday and thursdays are awesome because I only have 2 classes and I dont have to work. Plus I get a massive break in between classes so I can go on myspace (and now lj), and take a nap and such. Ya know, really productive stuff. 

I miss my boyfriend.
The end.